The Truth about Goats
Disguised under the pretext of a kit launch, Britain’s athletes took time out of their busy schedule – of avoiding drug tests – to show off more bulging pectorals than a Zac Efron calendar. Oiled like David Cameron speech, Team GB flaunted their toned physiques and their inability to retain fat.
Designed by Stella McCartney and various online fantasies, models Jessica Ennis-Hill and Tom Daley gave the waiting press a ‘look at the good stuff’. While a lascivious photographer commented: ‘Did you see her abs? It looked like a sack of kittens. Writhing lumps of pure athleticism – with a hint of pussy’.
The red, white and blue kit allegedly features the British coat of arms, but the main focus of the press was on whether they could ‘spot a nipple’. One editor defended his position: ‘Obviously we’re here to support sporting endeavour but it never hurts if we can add to the w@nk bank. And it isn’t objectifying athletes to suggest that no one misses Beth Tweddle’.
Team GB is expecting to increase their medal tally in Rio, along with internet searches for ‘Daley in the buff’. A team coach explained: ‘It’s about raising the profile of British shagability. Anyone can run fast, but not everyone can wear skin-tight synthetic fabric and look good. We’ve just got to be wary of injuries – mainly wrist related among the viewing public’.