The Truth about Goats
Leading by 11% in the polls, President-elect Rodrigo Duterte has said he will design policies as if he were a small container of rabid amphibians, taking advice from a team of Hatters and March Hares. Previously he had offered to stand on manifesto inspired by a sack of ferrets, but that was felt to be too moderate for an electorate who prefer their politics to resemble Lady GaGa’s wardrobe.
Not only will he reintroduce the death penalty, coupled with the nationwide implementation of death squads, Mr. Duterte promises: ‘more insanity than Noel’s House Party’. Likewise many other similes apply; with him being likened to being as mad as the vexed sea, Aston Villa’s back four or a Boris Johnson press conference. When not offering to rape missionaries, Mr. Duterte says he likes to unwind by matching his genitals to Rorschach ink blots.
More and more voters seem to be favouring colourful personalities – even if they happen to be multiple. Even Donald Trump is starting to look bland in comparison, forcing the Republican candidate to make outrageous claims that the moon is made of cheese and that all Mexicans are the same. Which leaves Mr. Duterte as the deranged love-child of Mel Gibson and Looney Tunes’ Tasmanian Devil.
Voters are yet to find sociopath too extreme to support, if anything they are drawn to crazy like a moth to an oxy acetylene torch. Given the choice between dull and dangerous, the Philippines electorate will always opt to put their fingers in the toaster-of-life. As one politician observed: ‘You don’t have to be Rodrigo Duterte to work here but it helps.’