The Truth about Goats
Members of the Open-hosting golf club have voted to maintain their ban on women, bell-bottoms and colour TVs. The 648 members, after a two-year consultation, have agreed that civilization is progressing at an unhealthily brisk pace and that evolving legs to leave the oceans may have been a ‘step too far’.
Amongst their fears, Muirfield players cited that women members would ruin their golfing traditions with slow play, idle chatter and ‘the devil’s menstruation’. It is a well-known scientific fact that women are unable to take sport seriously due to their smaller brains and penchant for floral prints. Despite this, Emily Pankhurst once swallowed two dozen golf balls in protest over golfing misogyny; although some have speculated that she had simply misread her thyroid medication.
Women golfers are naturally handicapped by their limited stature and insistence on wearing oven gloves when playing. One Muirfield member said: ‘Women are a menace; digging up our greens and spawning in the lakes. I’ve seen a woman defecate in a bunker – alright, that might have been a fox – but you get the idea’.
Muirfield is still hoping to host the Open for the 17th time, but has made it clear that any new-fangled concepts such as equality or ‘the wheel’ will not be welcome. The course itself will now be hermetically sealed in a bygone era; like the Isle of Wight, Ben Elton and a woman’s place.