The Truth about Goats
Education Secretary Nicky Morgan has heralded a pioneering Japanese parenting technique, as the route to academic brilliance and the creation of a next generation of Bear Grylls. The next logical step after academization is to have Primary Teaching contracted out to the private sector; allowing every child the opportunity to be raised by wolves or at the very least to be ‘taught algebra by a badger’.
Speaking to journalists she explained that leaving a seven-year-old alone in a forest for a week, is not only character building, but also helps them to re-enact key moments from ‘Rambo-First Blood’. Her spokesman argued: ‘Wilderness survival has long been missing from the curriculum. We need to be less like Jamie Oliver School Dinners and more like the Hunger Games’.
Yamato Tanooka, spoke of his gratitude to his parents for abandoning him and how malnourishment had helped him to focus more on his schooling. The spokesman explained: ‘We are talking life-skills and employability – in the hunter/gathering sector. This is a return to the same traditional Grammar school values that helped Hansel and Gretel to become prepared for Oxbridge, type 2 diabetes and a pensioner killing-spree’.
Nicky Morgan’s data clearly indicated that apprehension about SATs declined dramatically when juxtaposed to being chased by a bear. The spokesman confirmed: ‘If you discount David Cameron, the UK is lagging behind on child-abandonment league tables. We need to rectify this by filling our woodland with aspiring students; with only their wits to keep them safe from the UK’s only successful export – the paedophile’.