The Truth about Goats
Dr. Sarah Wollaston, Tory chairman of the health select committee, has stumbled across the one anomalous detail in what political commentators have described as a flawless referendum made up purely of truth, clarity and ‘unicorn tears’. Suggesting that Brexiters had fabricated a £350m figure, related to NHS funding, Dr. Wollaston was at pains to explain this was the only occurrence of a politician lying that she could think of – if you discounted any day ending in ‘Y’.
Most acknowledge that finding this discrepancy was a one in million chance, similar to finding the Higgs Boson particle in your cornflakes or Donald Trump observing Ramadan. One campaigner said: ‘It’s a shame, because up until now both sides of the debate had been factually accurate in every detail; focusing on the life-affirming issues – such as plague, pestilence and dirty foreigners’.
Shocked at her discovery, Dr. Wollaston has promptly swapped sides in the debate – joining those that champion truth or at least a different brand of equivocation. Her spokeswoman said: ‘Dr. Wollaston is confident that she can put these deceptions behind her and embrace the principled exactitude that made her a Conservative – her unwavering commitment to the public sector, worker’s rights and accurate tax returns’.
Voters are hopeful that they can now return to putting their blind trust in a collection of MPs; all of whom have no problem being honest about their spouse, expenses or proximity to the oral cavity of dead livestock. The spokeswoman confirmed: ‘These little errors occur from time to time, but voters should not become distrustful. Just keep looking into my eyes. Don’t look away. Look into my eyes. You are feeling sleepy…very sleepy…’