Flibbertigibbet News

The Truth about Goats

How to get that Russian-Ultra beach body.


Ever wondered how Moscow’s finest hooligans look so ripped, as they rip through the opposition?  Ever wanted a tear-gas inspired six-pack without the tears?  Here are our ten easy steps to goose-step through the Euros.


Threatening, yet sexy.

1) Have a balanced diet – of racism, aggression and steroids.

2) Burn fat (and flares) – Vandalise, pulverize and energise!

3) Build up your muscles – by thumping a drink-sodden England fan.

4) Try jogging – while pursed by French riot police.

5) Cut down on refined carbs – remember not everything ultra-white is good for you.

6) Drink plenty of water – to avoid dehydration while awaiting deportation.

7) Focus on stretching – you don’t want to damage your hamstring hurdling stadium fences.

8) Get a good night’s sleep – while in custody.

9) Participate in sports – and by ‘participate’, we mean ‘completely ignore’…unless it’s kick-boxing.

10) And above all else – stay positive.  Don’t get disheartened by your team’s poor performance.  Just put on a smile (under your balaclava) and sing a happy song – about murdering Ukrainians or LGBT rights.


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This entry was posted on June 21, 2016 by in International Sport and tagged , , , , , .

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