The Truth about Goats
Ever wondered how Moscow’s finest hooligans look so ripped, as they rip through the opposition? Ever wanted a tear-gas inspired six-pack without the tears? Here are our ten easy steps to goose-step through the Euros.
1) Have a balanced diet – of racism, aggression and steroids.
2) Burn fat (and flares) – Vandalise, pulverize and energise!
3) Build up your muscles – by thumping a drink-sodden England fan.
4) Try jogging – while pursed by French riot police.
5) Cut down on refined carbs – remember not everything ultra-white is good for you.
6) Drink plenty of water – to avoid dehydration while awaiting deportation.
7) Focus on stretching – you don’t want to damage your hamstring hurdling stadium fences.
8) Get a good night’s sleep – while in custody.
9) Participate in sports – and by ‘participate’, we mean ‘completely ignore’…unless it’s kick-boxing.
10) And above all else – stay positive. Don’t get disheartened by your team’s poor performance. Just put on a smile (under your balaclava) and sing a happy song – about murdering Ukrainians or LGBT rights.