The Truth about Goats
The Chancellor has made a stark warning to all the ‘mofos, bitches and investment analysts’ that the proverbial is going to hit-the-fan in the event of a Brexit. Wearing soiled underwear and in front of a packed news conference, Mr Osborne reached a crescendo of hyperbole; which culminated in him waving a shotgun while shouting ‘you’ll never take me alive!’
A spokesman for the Chancellor said: ‘There’s nothing to fear accept fear itself…or mutant spiders. Yup, that’s pretty scary. Or Ebola in your soup. Jeez! Or…or … or a race of A.I. super-beings taking over the world. Damn, now that I think about it – we’re f@cked. We’re all going to die. Just, just start stockpiling canned goods and hope the zombies don’t find you’.
News that Mr. Osborne had barricaded his office, immediately had a negative impact on the FTSE 100, as did the sight of him drinking from a human skull. Advisors close to Mr. Osborne have mentioned his increasingly erratic behaviour and his demands that they only speak when holding a conch shell – or be sacrificed to his new pagan Sun God.
Mr. Osborne further predicted massive cuts to the public sector, where the only survivors would be cockroaches on BUPA. He cautioned that Brexit would lead to an escalation in anti-biotic resistant diseases, video game violence and more series of ‘Mrs Brown’s Boys’. His spokesman said: ‘Brexit is like swallowing gum. You’re going to choke…and then get eaten by a shark. Trust me, it’s as inevitable as spontaneous combustion. So, don’t say we didn’t warn you’.