The Truth about Goats
Divorce documents have been filed by Johnny Depp and his actress wife Amber Heard, citing ‘irreconcilable dogs’ as the cause. The couple are now facing a protracted three-way battle with the Australian Government for custody of the pooches; naming Deputy PM Barnaby Joyce as co-respondent – having ‘screwed both plaintiffs’.
The dogs find themselves caught in a courtroom tug-of-war; with the participants torn between loving them and throwing them in a ‘dingo grinder’. While a friend of Depp suggested he was happy to be shot of both Miss Heard and her pets: ‘It’s less like losing a wife and more like gaining some extra kennel space.’
‘It’s not as if Johnny wanted the dogs in the first place. First he had to eat sh@t to get them out of quarantine and now he’s going to have to pay millions in divorce costs. It’s like rubbing salt in an open wound, or like agreeing to another Pirates of the Caribbean sequel’. Meanwhile in the absence of a pre-nuptial agreement it is unclear which person retains ownership of their cringe-worthy video apology.
Friends of the couple are said to be surprised by the split given that being accused of international smuggling usually brings people closer together. Mr. Depp is alleged to have instructed his lawyers to ensure that the two ‘flea-bitten mongrels are put to sleep’ but he may having referencing supressing reviews of ‘Mortdecai’ and ‘The Lone Ranger’.