The Truth about Goats
Like every whining Remain campaigner, the Parliamentary Labour Party (PLP) has declared itself in favour of all forms of democracy, except the ones they don’t like the outcome of. With all the loyalty of Brutus or Zayn from 1D, the MPs have demanded Jeremy Corbyn do the ‘decent thing’ and utterly capitulate to their demands of his resignation, his bank details and that he ‘shave his entire body’.
Ironically the Tories are also holding leadership elections, with most Blairites unsure which ballot to join; many preferring Boris Johnson as the person who shares their core value of disingenuousness and their love of prat-falls. Likewise some Labour MPs may face deselection by disenfranchised party members, with one MP protesting: ‘How dare they threaten to ride roughshod over a democratically elected official…oh…um…I see your point…awkward’.
Unfortunately with his Shadow Cabinet resembling the revolving door of Taylor Swift’s love-life, Mr. Corbyn is proving as popular with his MPs as a mysterious grey pube in an 18-30’s hot tub. One ex-front bencher complained: ‘Jeremy is responsible for the Referendum defeat, the Suez crisis and the Tolpuddle martyrs. He didn’t go to Oxbridge and he’s no Ed Miliband, so how can he expect to connect with the average voter? Jeremy is just the wrong fit – he’s left-wing, popular with the electorate and principled – we’ve no place for that in the Labour Party. We need another Tony Blair – someone not afraid to deregulate the banks, introduce student fees and commit a variety of war crimes’.
Yet as Labour actually pulls ahead of the Conservatives in the polls and membership continues to increase, this seems an odd time for the Shadow Cabinet to make a suicide pact. The greater fear it seems is that Mr. Corbyn might actually win, forcing Labour MPs to debase themselves by doing something vaguely socialist. Asked how they thought about the Trade Unions still backing Mr. Corbyn, one senior Labour MP said: ‘A Trade Union? What’s that?’