The Truth about Goats
A new study published by the charity Relate reveal that the majority of UK couples are living in a delusional state that they are actually ‘happy’. Only a fifth of respondents understood the soul crushing despair that all relationships spiral into; meaning everyone else is yet to notice the ‘tears at bedtime’ or that someone has changed all the locks.
Data was gathered on a series of measurements – how often you argue, have you ever put rat poison in your partner’s food and ‘Are you dating Russell Brand’? With such a small number considering divorce, the only conclusion was that the remainder of couples were too addled due to a combination of blind faith, gin and the prospect of the ‘sweet release of death’.
Admitted one parent: ‘Broken relationships do impact on children – although to be fair it is their fault. However things are better now – I’ve replaced bickering with Prozac, while my husband is blowing off steam with evenings of Grindr and carpet bowls’.
‘It’s like Brexit, nobody actually likes being in the EU – it’s just easier to remain. Yes, it means following someone else’s rules but that’s the price of cheap family holidays. Ironically while the EU is being screwed by impoverished Greeks, hopefully this year on Kos, so will I’.