The Truth about Goats
Having agreed magnanimously to allow Jeremy Corbyn to stand in the leadership election for which he is already the leader, Labour’s Executive have ruled that all new members must pay £25 for the privilege of voting; alongside a pint of blood, a medieval tithe and ‘a mooring fee for any yachts’. In remembrance of their working class roots, the NEC has also declared that all polling booths will now be ‘black tie only’.
Cynics would suggest that this is an attempt to gerrymander elections and disenfranchise the unemployed, destitute or anyone who has recently bought shares in BHS. One Blairite explained: ‘It’s not about keeping the riffraff out, it’s merely a way of filtering out the ne’er do wells or socialists as you call them. For goodness sake, £25 is less than a good bottle of Moet’.
New Labour advisor, John McTernan, helpfully explained that allowing a pacifist on the ballot would betray everything that Tony Blair had covered up achieved. Ironically, having already masterminded Labour’s extinction in Scotland, Mr McTernan is ideally qualified to recognise electoral death when he sees it.
An NEC executive defended the unscheduled and secret change to voting rights: ‘It’s still perfectly straight forward to vote. Any new members just need to gather five unicorn tears in a leprechaun’s shoe. This needs to be sent recorded delivery to Santa, who will then vet applicants to see who is naughty and who is a friend of Hilary Benn. Finally the form will be added to the bottom of list of urgent priority actions; like world peace, Tory tax returns and clearing out the loft’.