The Truth about Goats
The National Executive Committee (NEC) has been criticised for restricting their backbenchers from joining the Conservatives before the next General Election – despite 172 MPs signing up to defeat the Labour Party long before the deadline. Said one frustrated Welsh MP: ‘I paid to join – with portion of my soul and an endorsement from Pfizer – but now they say I have to donate more and there’s only so many times I can vote for Trident!’
One female MP, of humble ‘working-class stock’, said: ‘I’ve been voting to the right of Oliver Letwin for the past decade, which should entitle me to full Tory membership. But the NEC have said I now have 48 hrs to accept support from tax avoidance firms and the Arms industry. Who do they think I am, Owen Smith?’
Labour backbenchers have expressed concern that they will have very little time to paint their red rosettes blue. Under strident new NEC rules, Labour backbenchers must swear allegiance to Beelzebub and lick Theresa May’s kitten heel to transfer to the Tories. Although a Conservative spokeswoman complained: ‘We don’t want those Blairite-apologists joining. Privatizing hospitals and universities by stealth? Disgusting – at least we’ve got some scruples’.
One Labour voter expressed surprise at the number of closet Tories: ‘I guess when their only policy is to mimic the right-wing, that’s not opposition, that’s envy’. An NEC officer explained: ‘We don’t want to see the Conservatives inundated with radicalized Labour MPs. These out-of-work Shadow Ministers are not true Tories, they just stir up trouble and live off state expenses. They lack leadership, are completely unelectable and no one takes their fringe right-wing views seriously’.