The Truth about Goats
Theresa May has taken the bold decision to appoint Colonel Blimp’s pre-cum to the post of Foreign Secretary, elevating Mr. Johnson to a place where ‘he can do some actual harm’. Flattered by his new role, the ex-exiter has promised that he will teach natives from Kathmandu to Merseyside, the basics of Latin-vocab, the LBW rule and how to use a soup spoon.
Fluent in several languages, all of them bigot, Mr. Johnson is a natural choice to be the face of the UK – even if that face looks like a confused orangutan. Drawing on his years of multi-cultural experience from Eton and Oxford, a spokesman for Mr. Johnson insisted: ‘That some of his best friends are black – if by ‘friends’ you meant waitresses’.
A controversial figure, Mr. Johnson has run articles in The Spectator suggesting African-Americans collectively had lower IQs; oddly something he had not noticed with the House of Commons. Admittedly Mr. Johnson had previously cast aspersions on President Obama’s Kenyan ancestry, but he has said he will make amends with a fulsome apology and an explanation of where the servant’s entrance is.
Resplendent in a bespoke union-jack themed bowler hat, Mr. Johnson plans to meet foreign dignitaries with an open hand – which he will later wash with carbolic. A spokesman said: ‘If a bloated clown stuck on a zip-wire feebly waving a flag doesn’t symbolize the halcyon days of the British Empire, I don’t know what does? Post-Brexit Boris will help to make Britain’s workers Great again – if by ‘great’ you meant waitresses’.