The Truth about Goats
Scientist now believe that the Ice Age beasts died of thirst due to a combination of Pleistocene pretzels, cheap margaritas and no access to chilled cans of Dr. Pepper. The last of the mammoths is thought to have died 4,000 years ago, having stubbornly refused to ask for someone to ‘pass the water’.
Aside from having trunks too stupidly short to access their coke, the woolly mammoths would devour sacks of popcorn while watching their favourite movie – the ironically titled ‘Ice Age’. With only shallow lakes and a McDonalds’ buffet to quench their thirst, these furry elephants soon regretted covering everything in soy sauce.
One scientist explained the warning signs of the warming signs: ‘For creatures with a good memory they seemed to forget that shrinking glaciers and darkening urine were indicators of less fresh water. And if you’ve seen a mammoth squirt dark green cables of piss, that’s a hard image to ignore’.
Another factor in their extinction was the habit of smaller mammals insisting that all mineral water was made sparkling, with trunk-unfriendly bottle tops. The fate of mammoths remains a warning to other species – don’t wear furs in the summer, currant buns are still high in sodium and if you weigh 6 tonnes, avoid spicy food.