The Truth about Goats
In a landmark ruling, Mr Justice Hickinbottom has said that no self respecting voter should be coerced into supporting Owen Smith – ‘even if, his was the only name on the ballot’. Previously Labour’s NEC had insisted that Mr. Smith would be permitted a pity vote, comprising of reluctant relatives, ex-girlfriends and ‘any mate of Tony Blair’s still awaiting trial’.
In his ruling, Mr. Hickinbottom explained that it was unlawful to vote for someone so blatantly careerist; although that may now call into question the UK’s last 400 years of elections. The 130,000 Labour supporters who had had their voting rights denied, will now be free to express their true feelings towards Mr. Smith – using a large wicker man and an expressive Morris dance.
Other politicians are now nervous that this ruling may mean that voters will now insist on voting for people, policies and TV schedules they actually want. Complained one MP: ‘If you give people a choice, they might actually choose. It’s ridiculous to say democracy was invented to empower the voter; that’s like saying the Olympics are meant to be drug free, the UN is meant to be helpful or that James Corden should be funny’.
Sadly Owen Smith’s only hope of picking up some votes rest with a combination of spoilt ballots, discarded lottery tickets and expired ‘Smith and Western’ buffet vouchers. A member of ‘Vote Smith or Else’ defended their candidate: ‘When we said one man one vote – we meant Alistair Campbell, not those other 500,000 Trotskies. FFS – how can we prove Corbyn is unelectable if everyone keeps voting for him?!?’