The Truth about Goats
A gigantic wave of apathy swept the UK as another predictable day of unpredictable exam results arrived. With 99% of the nation spending the last two years working hard not to study an A level, the tension experienced by whiny teenagers was greeted with the same indifference we reserve for coastal erosion in New Zealand or celery.
An OFQUAL spokeswoman explained: ‘This year grades have gone up if you take into account target-grades, but have gone down if you just look at A-B pass rates. But have gone up in terms of value-added data but down in success and retention. Up, if tied to a hydrogen balloon. But down if you prick it. Up if you smile, down if you frown’.
Said one attractive female student: ‘I’ve been jumping and beaming gormlessly, in this tight top, for photographers all morning. It captured my boundless excitement for a jobless future and crippling University debt. Fortunately I had an elderly relative on hand to dampen my enthusiasm by explaining that exams were tougher in ‘their day’- as was contraception and trying not to be racist’
The Department of Education put out an encouraging message: ‘Even if results are down, standards are clearly on the rise. Yet teachers are still dreadful. And probably Trotskyites. Remember, A-levels are the gold standard…unless of course we’re in Opposition; in that case, they’re worthless. Either way teachers are dreadful’.