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The Truth about Goats

A-levels – who gives a sh$t?


A gigantic wave of apathy swept the UK as another predictable day of unpredictable exam results arrived.  With 99% of the nation spending the last two years working hard not to study an A level, the tension experienced by whiny teenagers was greeted with the same indifference we reserve for coastal erosion in New Zealand or celery.

The best two years of your life...not

The best two years of your life…not

An OFQUAL spokeswoman explained: ‘This year grades have gone up if you take into account target-grades, but have gone down if you just look at A-B pass rates.  But have gone up in terms of value-added data but down in success and retention.  Up, if tied to a hydrogen balloon.  But down if you prick it.  Up if you smile, down if you frown’.

Said one attractive female student:  ‘I’ve been jumping and beaming gormlessly, in this tight top, for photographers all morning.  It captured my boundless excitement for a jobless future and crippling University debt.  Fortunately I had an elderly relative on hand to dampen my enthusiasm by explaining that exams were tougher in ‘their day’- as was contraception and trying not to be racist’

The Department of Education put out an encouraging message: ‘Even if results are down, standards are clearly on the rise.  Yet teachers are still dreadful.  And probably Trotskyites.  Remember, A-levels are the gold standard…unless of course we’re in Opposition; in that case, they’re worthless.  Either way teachers are dreadful’.

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