The Truth about Goats
The venue for the 2016 Olympics has replaced Mos Eisley Spaceport as the place you are most likely to get kidnapped and wake up a sex-slave in Jabba’s palace. Even Rio’s strict anti-droid policy has done little to prevent abductions by Jawas and holographic ransom pleas from shanghaied Princesses.
Doping scandals and Storm Trooper road-blocks have meant that most Jedi’s have been reluctant to take their Apprentices to Rio de Janeiro. Although one Russian-accented Sith-coach seemed happy his athlete was attending, stating: ‘You don’t need to see his identification. And these aren’t the urine samples you’re looking for’.
On the first Saturday, Portugal’s Education Minister was robbed at knifepoint by a Rodian bounty hunter matching Greedo’s description. While on the very same day a stray bullet struck the equestrian centre, giving credence to the view that ‘Han shot first’.
Warned one Olympic organiser: ‘Damaging winds have disrupted the beach events and easily startled the Sand People, but they will soon be back – and in greater numbers. And just like in the Mos Eisley Cantina, there is a constant risk of rohypnol in your caipirinha and Zika in your soup. The next thing, you’ll be dragged helplessly from the bar by kidnappers – while the Modal Nodes play the ‘Girl from Ipanema’.’