The Truth about Goats
London Underground will begin running a late night anarchic pop show on its Victoria and Central lines, in response to the high level of commuter demand for a 24/7 showcase of contemporary music. Normal train services will be suspended, while 80’s bands scurry through the tunnels looking for recording contracts, loose change and the rat-gnawed remains of their careers.
Jools Holland, rescued from hosting fake Hogmanay events and children’s balloon parties, has agreed to return to the format that made him a household name – if only amongst the band members of ‘Squeeze’. Sadly the late Paula Yates is unavailable due to ‘circumstances beyond her control’, but she will be replaced by aggressive tramp called Malcolm, with a penchant for ‘smack and special brew’.
Night Tube services are expected to add £6.4bn to the London economy, mainly by selling bootleg copies of Echo & the Bunnymen’s first LP and getting The Psychedelic Furs to carry people between Oxford Circus and Chigwell. Known buskers such as Ed Sheeran and the BBC light orchestra, will not be welcome.
The new London Mayor Sadiq Khan plans to the first person to get a piggy-back ride from the Cure’s Robert Smith ‘all the way to Brixton’, with live support from a jazz trio of Sherpas. A Transport spokeswoman said: ‘Police officers will be on patrol to allay any fears that Duran Duran might release a new album. But we expect the Night Tube to have that same train crash feel as the original show. Get your Oyster card or be an ungroovy fucker!’