The Truth about Goats
As Rio 2016 draws to a close, athletics fans will now have to resort to other methods for increasing blood flow. Self-esteem and ‘todgers’ are due to sag, as the UK abruptly ends its gold-rich diet of medal celebrations and fluky hockey scores.
Couples confirm, that being glued to their TV sets and engorged with national pride, has been as closest thing to sporting Viagra since Des Lynam stopped winking. Most fantasies now involve Claire Balding draped in a Union Jack, whispering arousing phrases like ‘velodrome’, ‘MoBot’ and ‘Russian disqualification’.
Sadly there will be a return to the grim reality of British sporting ignominy, whose previous contribution to the world of athletics was having Boris Johnson trapped on a zip-wire for people to pelt vegetables at him. Many fear that nationwide impotence will be followed by a collapse in personal hygiene and return to using the LBW rule to spice up the bedroom.
The pressure is on now to redirect funding from sport to providing the spark for stale marriages. A lottery spokeswoman said: ‘The public need inspiration. They need winners. They need a big plate of oysters covered in crushed rhino horn eaten off the thighs of Jason Kenny’.