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Slavery rise is a tribute to zero-hour contracts


The Home Office has hailed a fivefold increase in reported cases of slavery, as a triumph in deregulation and free-market douchebaggery.  With the Prime Minister promising to defeat modern slavery by returning to more traditional forms; such as indentured servitude – or the London rental market as it is known.

Sports Direct Logo

Sports Direct Logo

A growing sector, J D Wetherspoon already plans to open a chain of Pyramid-themed pubs; just as Sports Direct announced the development of their first cotton plantation.  While 90% of the McDonald’s workforce are already on zero-hours, these contracts are more accurately described as an ‘escape plan’ by the staff.

The Conservative Minister for safeguarding and ‘issues effecting people with accents’ said:  ‘We are shining a light on modern slavery – then turning it into a reliable business model.  And we’re hoping to replace zero-hours with non-zero-sum contracts, which ensure everyone loses out.  Remember, 60% of contractees are happy, while the remaining 40% are scheduled to do battle with the lions in the Colosseum’.

The Salvation Army reports that most UK slaves are victims of sexual and labour exploitation – with many not even reaching the final of the X-Factor.  With 2 million zero-hour contracts active, one slave commented:  ‘The confusion over who was Spartacus may be simply down the fact he was working multiple part-time jobs’.

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This entry was posted on August 31, 2016 by in UK Business and tagged , , , , , .

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