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Nuns to go topless on French beaches

The town of Cannes has insisted that in order maintain secularism all ‘hot women of faith’ will be stripped by armed police – who will then administer scented lotions to the dulcet tones Sacha Distel.  Anyone caught wearing a burkini will be summarily dunked in the sea; if they float they are a witch and if they sink no one cares.

Give us a peek

Give us a peek

A spokesman for Mayor David Lisnard explained: ‘This isn’t about persecuting religious symbols; it’s about safe beach attire.  We’ll be replacing turbans and kippahs with swim caps.  And all wedding rings will be substituted with rubber ones.  Oh and no using wooden crucifixes as a buoyancy aid, that’s cheating’.

Some of the French populace are uncomfortable with the logical conclusion of their secularism, fearing it may lead to elderly Priests in man-kinis.  Complained one bather: ‘Jesus may have been happy in water-nappy, but I’m not ready for nudist Christians – just imagine all that unwaxed hair.

There has also been some confusion between the differences between a burkini, a wetsuit and a James Bond outfit.  Asked one child holding an ice cream: ‘What’s extremism?  Isn’t any belief in an all-powerful-being that enforces a dress code, pretty f$cking extreme?  But doesn’t that cover every major religion, school or job?  Oh…and my Mum.’



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This entry was posted on September 5, 2016 by in International News and tagged , , , , , .

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