The Truth about Goats
The town of Cannes has insisted that in order maintain secularism all ‘hot women of faith’ will be stripped by armed police – who will then administer scented lotions to the dulcet tones Sacha Distel. Anyone caught wearing a burkini will be summarily dunked in the sea; if they float they are a witch and if they sink no one cares.
A spokesman for Mayor David Lisnard explained: ‘This isn’t about persecuting religious symbols; it’s about safe beach attire. We’ll be replacing turbans and kippahs with swim caps. And all wedding rings will be substituted with rubber ones. Oh and no using wooden crucifixes as a buoyancy aid, that’s cheating’.
Some of the French populace are uncomfortable with the logical conclusion of their secularism, fearing it may lead to elderly Priests in man-kinis. Complained one bather: ‘Jesus may have been happy in water-nappy, but I’m not ready for nudist Christians – just imagine all that unwaxed hair.
There has also been some confusion between the differences between a burkini, a wetsuit and a James Bond outfit. Asked one child holding an ice cream: ‘What’s extremism? Isn’t any belief in an all-powerful-being that enforces a dress code, pretty f$cking extreme? But doesn’t that cover every major religion, school or job? Oh…and my Mum.’