The Truth about Goats
It’s up there with the riddle of the Sphinx and James Corden’s career, but scientists have uncovered the mystery behind all the ‘hole thingies’ on the back on your wide-curved-plasma-HDR-LED-HGV-RSVP-boil in the bag-televisual box. Rather than an assortment of audio/digital connections, it is now believed that the embedded slots are alien in origin and form an important part in our species’ evolution.
Explained one paleoanthropologist and aerial mechanic: ‘We’ve concluded that once these intergalactic hieroglyphics are deciphered, then the human race will advance to a higher state of being; probably something with Sky Sports and genuine surround sound – not that Dolby 5.1 rubbish’.
Naturally man’s first impulse upon discovering the various holes was to use them for sexual purposes; but that kind of experimentation ceased shortly after an awkward trip to A&E following a quick 240v to the genitals. Others primitives, still using Betamax, sadly worshipped the holes as rudimentary Gods, feeding them cotton buds and twiglets.
To many, it is a relief to discover that letter combinations like dvi-in and coaxial are meaningless phrases, like ‘reliable wi-fi’, ‘affordable car insurance’ or ‘socialist Blairite’. One TV owner confessed: ‘I’m just glad they’re not some electrical glory hole or a portal to Narnia. It’s certainly evidence of a higher form of intelligence, but it’s probably too late to stop the new series of the Great British Bakeoff’.