The Truth about Goats
A fifth of parents claim to have named and shamed their child, to reflect the heinousness of their baby’s past-life misdeeds. These range from minor-offences resulting in names like Brian or Mildred, to full-scale atrocities causing infants to be christened by Kanye West.
Explained one paediatrician: ‘A significant number of children are carrying embarrassing monikers, knowing full well that in a previous existence they did something monstrous – like mis-selling PPI, WMDs or driving the Vote Leave Battlebus. That’s how we end up with babies’ called Boris, Tony or Adolf. And none of them are good names for girls’.
It has become clear that cosmically we pay for our crimes. In the same way Owen Smith has to wake up every day as Owen Smith, as a cruel but apt penalty for his shady past as a lobbyist for the pharmaceutical industry.
‘Mumsnet’ is currently filled with unapologetic parents, naming children after electrical appliances, Byzantium monarchs or types of frozen pizza; all convinced that their little cherub is the reincarnation of an estate agent or Donald Trump campaign manager. Said one disapproving parent: ‘Straight from the birth I knew my son embodied the soul of Attila the Hun. What could I name someone who ravaged Europe with his horde of followers? So say hello to baby ‘Nigel Farage’.