The Truth about Goats
Daily Express readers have been frothing at the mouth and tearing at their hospital restraints in frustration, that ‘some flighty piece of skirt’ from India will be canonized ahead of the ‘Angel of Knightsbridge’. For some reason the Pope has seen fit to honour Mother Theresa, who spent a lifetime acquiring money from crooks – while Diana did the hard part of marrying into it.
Sadly ‘England’s Rose’ has been eclipsed by ‘Macedonia’s Dungwort’, a nun who spent most of life dressed as Yoda. Both women died within days of each other and were both linked romantically with ex-Rugby player Will Carling; although only Theresa managed to win ‘Calcutta’s walnut lookalike’ competition four years in a row.
There are various miracles attributed to Diana during her life; including the miracle of getting away with a George Michael perm, the miracle of being a millionaire despite failing her O-levels twice and the miracle of hiding the identity of Harry’s parentage. She also achieved the required two supernatural feats after death; firstly by proving the British public are a bunch of mawkish serfs and secondly by still selling more newspapers ‘than Page 3 tits’.
Although both women thought suffering was a gift from God, only one of them was willing to live the experience by sleeping with Prince Charles. Also in a recent poll on a dating site for unmarried lepers, Diana still came out on top of ‘…person I would most like to shake hands with…if only my fingers didn’t keep dropping off’.