The Truth about Goats
Despite five years of civil war and 250,000 fatalities, Syrian opposition factions have managed to do something that Theresa May was unable to do – actually ‘have a plan’. The transition to end the war will take just six months, as opposed to Brexit’s glacial speed – which is at risk of being overtaken by a three-toed sloth on marijuana.
Syria’s HNC have proposed short discussions with a full ceasefire; whereas Theresa May has proposed ten minutes of Boris Johnson tying his shoelaces, followed by a bun fight. Explained one Syrian: ‘Our first priority was not appoint any corrupt extremists to the negotiating team – so once Liam Fox was no longer a possibility everything ran smoothly’.
It is still unlikely that Mr Assad will step aside, but not all psychotic dictators have Nigel Farage’s sense of timing. Ironically the Syrian transition will deliver a more democratic and pluralistic system, whereas Brexit will deliver a Tory majority for the foreseeable future.
Brexit delays have been blamed on dealing with Syrian immigration, although Syrian diplomats can only wish they had that problem. Meanwhile, using the Geneva Communique, Syrian factions will commit to a truce; whereas using the back of a cigarette packet, Mrs May’s EU-free vision commits us to gym membership, caravanning in Devon and two extra pints of milk.