The Truth about Goats
With a stonking 61.8% of votes by registered Labour members and 100% of anyone vaguely socialist, Jeremy Corbyn has won the right to don the facial fuzz of the party’s first MP. Replacing his own threadbare stubble, Corbyn will now be able to revel in a luxurious ‘beast of a beard’, that still contains remnants of coal, porridge oats and a dead canary.
Owen Smith, in challenging Corbyn, had hoped to offer his own brand of privately-financed mutton-chops, designed to cover-up your backers but not your face. Sadly he will now be forced to keep his literal barefaced cheek along with his metaphorical barefaced cheek. One Blairite complained: ‘How dare you compare the great Keir Hardie to Corbyn. Keir was a known pacifist, teetotaller and friend to the workers…just like Tony’.
Previous Labour leaders were given the option of wearing Mr. Hardie’s bristles but most declined – with Neil Kinnock choking on it and hapless Ed Miliband using it as a merkin. By contrast Mr. Corbyn has promised that ‘Momentum Kids’ will be able to use his new ample beard as a playground, with the lower strands set aside to house Syrian refugees and ‘badgers on the run’.
Many still wonder if a ‘ZZ Top’ style candidate can survive in a climate of biased media and Wilkinson razors. Can we realistically expect the British public to overcome their distrust of bearded tricksters like Colonel Sanders or Die Hard’s Hans Gruber? Wrote one Blair advisor in the Telegraph: ‘Nobody wants a bearded socialist redistributing wealth – so Santa Claus can f$ck off.’