The Truth about Goats
Vladimir Putin has demanded an investigation into how his country’s parliamentary election has been hijacked by ‘entryism’, a hard-left agenda and Geography teachers from Islington. So far ‘United Russia’ has secured 54% of votes, with Jeremy Corbyn a narrow second on 47%, just ahead of Owen Smith on 0.0000000001%.
Labour’s Deputy Leader, Tom Watson, has already labelled Russian voters as closest ‘Trotskyists’ and accused many of them abusing members online with their offers of cut-price Russian wives. By contrast Putin, a known Blairite, has long been in favour of deregulated banks, tuition fees and bringing ‘peace to the Middle East, Tony-style’.
Originally Russians were eligible to vote for a £3 fee, but this has been raised to 25 billion rubles to restrict voting to oligarchs and friends of Tony Blair. A friend of Hilary Benn defended the gerrymandering: ‘These Corbynistas keep banging on about socialism. Don’t they realise how good they had it under Tsar Nicholas II? They had Rasputin the Mad Monk, all we have is Alistair Campbell in a hoody’.
Up until the fall of the Berlin Wall, statues of Jeremy Corbyn were seen in every Russian city, with a whole chapter in ‘Das Capital’ devoted to allotments and ‘making jam’. Said one Moscow official: ‘Unilateral disarmament, a national health service, seats on trains? We may be Communists but we’re not hippies!’