The Truth about Goats
England’s outgoing manager boasted of his flawless win rate and low-millage on his company car; exiting with a spring in his step and a boot in his arse. Taking the phrase ‘quit while you are ahead’ to its natural conclusion, Mr. Allardyce stopped before he had even started – just like David Cameron’s ‘Big Society’.
Technically England’s most successful manager with a ‘win one, lose job’ record, Mr. Allardyce had not even had time to wash his tracksuit. So short was his tenure, that he holds a 100% success rate in not having to drop Wayne Rooney, not sleeping with UlriKa Johnson and not having to explain why England have just been dumped out of the first round of the World Cup.
Unbeaten under Mr. Allardyce, many of his players will be encouraged to resign to protect their perfect start. Pundits now agree that it is an error to play teams like Brazil, Germany or Port Vale; and that the template for success is just to play one game against the Slovakia.
Explained an FA spokeswoman: ‘Too many sportsmen and women over stay their welcome, and I’d advise most to stop while at primary school, shortly after the egg and spoon race. Mr. Allardyce can leave, proud of his 100% success in being sacked for gross misconduct…rather than the usual incompetence’.