The Truth about Goats
Theresa May has successfully managed to realign her party, somewhere to the right of Vlad the Impaler. Having secured an endorsement from France’s far-right National Front, Mrs May has redefined the ‘centre ground’ as the ninth circle of Dante’s inferno.
Standing in a £4000 dress, addressing a room full of millionaires, Mrs May explained that it was ‘international elites’ who were to blame for the mess her Government had made. A spokeswoman confirmed: ‘She was not talking about anyone here, international elites are swarthy types who speak with accents and run mysterious banking cartels. You know, like the ones Hitler warned us about’.
Speaking to an enrapt conference Mrs May promised a ‘fairer’ society, just before strangling a baby panda with her bare hands. Said one citizen of the world: ‘According to Mrs May, I’m now a citizen of nowhere. Well ‘nowhere’ sounds a lot more tolerant than ‘here’, right now’.
Mrs May declared that directors who takes out massive dividends as their firm goes bust will be put on a verbal ‘warning’ – as opposed to an actual formal disciplinary process. After those strong words she added: ‘It’s time to remember the good that Government can do’. At which point the nation did remember and promptly voted for Jeremy Corbyn.