The Truth about Goats
The Foreign Secretary made a series unsubstantiated promises to end the conflict in Syria – having already delivered so successfully on Brexit, homelessness in London and keeping his ‘Little Johnson’ in his trousers. Unsurprisingly the British public seemed sceptical, as the only successful ‘no-fly zone’ he had ever inadvertently created was the one over Boris Island.
A spokeswoman for Mr. Johnson said: ‘Boris demands anti-war protestors be more selective in which of parts of the war they object to. For instance, UK/US bombing is wholesome and democratizing, while Russian bombing is the work of paedophiles and Corbynistas. Bombing hospitals is reprehensible – except when we get our Saudi friends to do it Yeman – then it’s called profiteering’.
Oddly in a week when the Prime Minister was keen to emphasize that we are ‘not’ citizens of the world, Mr. Johnson seemed very keen for someone else to step in to sort out this mess. Ironically Theresa May also attacked human rights activists for prosecuting war crimes, leaving one lawyer to comment: ‘I’m not sure Boris understands what the International Criminal Court actually does. He may be confused with ‘Thunderbirds’.’
Boris admitted that during the Brexit campaign he had over-promised; but that he felt confident that in the case of Syria, a cut immigration was definitely possible. Addressing a doubtful House of Commons, the Foreign Secretary was heard to yell: ‘You get £350m! You get £350m! Everyone gets £350m!’