The Truth about Goats
The Prime Minister is to embark on an ambitious programme of repealing every bit of legislation that might protect the British worker. Starting with the Human Rights and European Communities Acts, Mrs May proposes to bring back witchcraft, slavery and ‘fornication with beasts of the field’.
Turning the clock back to indentured servitude, Mrs May will use the Queen’s Speech to return the UK to a golden age of feudalism and child labour. A Number 10 official explained: ‘We’ve been mollycoddled by EU bureaucrats with their 48 hour weeks, banking regulations and straight bananas. Quite frankly, there’s nothing more heart warming than the sight of a small child ensnared on a Spinning Jenny’.
Dark satanic mills are expected to pop up on every street corner, while the minimum working age will be lowered to the third trimester. A spokesman for Boris Johnson complained: ‘Did you know it’s still illegal to carry a plague victim or rabid dog onboard public transport? Its Health & Safety gone mad! And since 1872 we’ve been banned from being intoxicated in charge of a cow – but how else is the Bullingdon Club expected to hold initiation ceremonies?’
The UK will now bid a fond farewell to clean water, renewable energy and garlic bread. Said one MP: ‘My ancestors didn’t come all the way over from Normandy to be governed by Europeans. Because of these ridiculous laws, since 1986 it’s been illegal to handle salmon in suspicious circumstances, which quite frankly is the only way I know’.