The Truth about Goats
A right-wing think tank has hailed an increase in attempted suicides, as evidence that savings can still be made from the social security budget. With a concerted effort to depress the populace, tax credits could easily be replaced with a bottle of sleeping pills; while the welfare safety-net could be made into a fetching noose.
A pioneering study has revealed that dead people are substantially less likely to claim benefits. Explained one call centre operative: ‘Here at Concentrix, we regularly speak to suicidal clients. But why worry about eating, when you can just stop? For us it’s about consumer choice. And we encourage them to choose natural selection’.
Said one junior minister: ‘We need to ratchet up the austerity. With a slightly bleaker outlook, we could turn many of these ‘attempts’ into actual completions. We’ve already had a lot of success helping those in the public sector or on disability benefits to top themselves. We just need people to kick the habit of handouts by kicking the bucket’.
With the female suicide rate at its highest since 2005, the UK is leading the way in attractive cadavers, while at the same time reducing the number of women worried about their weight. A Concentrix spokesman assured: ‘If you’re a low-income household who’ve had your tax credits stopped in error, this can be reviewed through a simple appeals procedure. Likewise any rash suicides can easily be amended’.