The Truth about Goats
Following on from calls by David Davies to x-ray migrants’ teeth, dentists have determined that the age of a Tory can be judged by the amount of bilge coming out of their mouth. By measuring the volume of noxious gas, billowing out of their vacuous head, dentists can confidently place all Conservative policy as originating from a 1929 copy of Billy Bunter.
Ignoring the ethical breach and outright bad science behind his idea, the MP for Monmouth insisted that immigration rates could be reduced by taking a tough stance on dental amalgam. He further claimed that it was a legitimate tool for measuring age – alongside carbon dating Syrians and cutting refugees in half, in order to ‘count their rings’.
A spokeswoman for Mr. Davies explained: ‘Teeth x-rays are far less controversial than giving them a tattoo or fetching star-shaped badge. Refugees need to be cute, blue-eyed and with a voice of an angel. Disneyesque preferably. Mr Davies likes them young. Although, now is probably not the time to talk about accusations of historical abuse’.
The British Dental Association insist that radiographs cannot accurately determine age, but a mouth filled with gold filings, fetid breath and a decomposing morality – is a sure sign you are a Conservative minister. Mr Davies further warned of illegal immigrants entering country with false teeth, promising censures for dentures, a grilling for fillings and restrainers for retainers.