The Truth about Goats
Innovator Valerie Hunter-Gordon has died aged 94, with her final resting place being under 50,000 metric tonnes of biodegradable ‘baby poop’. In a final act of irony, her body will be swaddled in synthetic disposable materials, wrapped in a gigantic nappy bag and left for seagulls to peck at.
The creator of the ‘Paddi’, in 1947, Mrs Hunter-Gordon has helped millions of parents save time and stink up their bins. Although the absorbent chemicals in her bespoke shroud should hopefully deter foxes; commented one mother: ‘How whiffy Mrs Hunter-Gordon will get is hard to tell, but it can’t be worse than the fetid dumplings my toddler produces’.
Globally 4,000 diapers are used every second; a figure that could double should Donald Trump become President. They are used by both children and adults with either incontinence issues or a desire to have a butt that is all crinkly and lumpy. Their disposable nature allows a busy parent to ‘sh@t and go’, which is incidentally Mr. Trump’s election slogan.
Hopefully rigor-mortis will prevent Mrs Hunter-Gordon from wriggling out of her Velcro tabs and any buttock rash will be the least of her dermatological concerns. Detractors of the disposable nappy claim that re-usable cloth versions are sturdier when a ‘poo-mageddon’ occurs; said one: ‘We need to be ready for when the proverbial hits the fan – and no disposable nappy is going to weather the sh@t storm that will happen when Brexit comes’.