Flibbertigibbet News

The Truth about Goats

Bricklayers rejoice!

The election of President Trump is not just a victory for orange people everywhere but an overwhelming mandate for those in the wall-building industry or Muslims who never wanted to visit the US.  At last Americans can ‘grab pussies’ with impunity and give global warming the chance it deserves.

With a sympathetic House and Supreme Court, Trump looks set to secure his vision of a gun in every cereal box, deporting California and ‘waterboarding for fun’. The US itself will naturally be rebranded as ‘Trump States™’; with a topless golf resort covering most of the mid-west. This will be followed by criminal charges against Hilary Clinton, Megan ‘Fox’ Kelly and all menstruators refusing to compete in his compulsory swimwear contest.

Trump promised to unify a deeply divided country by imprisoning all pollsters – a decision warmly greeted by a confused electorate. In his first few days he is expected to repeal Obama-care, replacing it with the less socially inclusive ‘Who Cares?’  He will also eliminate debt, cut taxes and increase military spending – by simply redefining basic arithmetic.

With Brexit now a dumb and distant memory, US voters confirmed that there is something worse than an Adam Sandler movie.  Many await to see if Trump will keep his grandiose promises – such as free Trump-Steak for all, an end to billionaire-shaming and his long term commitment to ‘teabaging’ the Chinese President.

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