The Truth about Goats
The election of President Trump is not just a victory for orange people everywhere but an overwhelming mandate for those in the wall-building industry or Muslims who never wanted to visit the US. At last Americans can ‘grab pussies’ with impunity and give global warming the chance it deserves.
With a sympathetic House and Supreme Court, Trump looks set to secure his vision of a gun in every cereal box, deporting California and ‘waterboarding for fun’. The US itself will naturally be rebranded as ‘Trump States™’; with a topless golf resort covering most of the mid-west. This will be followed by criminal charges against Hilary Clinton, Megan ‘Fox’ Kelly and all menstruators refusing to compete in his compulsory swimwear contest.
Trump promised to unify a deeply divided country by imprisoning all pollsters – a decision warmly greeted by a confused electorate. In his first few days he is expected to repeal Obama-care, replacing it with the less socially inclusive ‘Who Cares?’ He will also eliminate debt, cut taxes and increase military spending – by simply redefining basic arithmetic.
With Brexit now a dumb and distant memory, US voters confirmed that there is something worse than an Adam Sandler movie. Many await to see if Trump will keep his grandiose promises – such as free Trump-Steak for all, an end to billionaire-shaming and his long term commitment to ‘teabaging’ the Chinese President.