The Truth about Goats
Parent groups and petting zoos have been outraged by reports that the ex-Education Secretary may have abandoned Boris Johnson to his own devices in the Foreign Office. Having already acquired a reputation for leaving children unattended, Mr. Gove has shown gross negligence by allowing a Boris to play with flammable items such as matches, Brexit negotiations and the nuclear launch codes.
Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, age 52 ¾, is best described as ‘an awkward child’ and whose clumsy antics on zip wires and with women not his wife, are well-documented. Staff at the Foreign Office attest to seeing Mr. Johnson wandering around in his pyjamas and in a confused state, asking: ‘What’s Article 50? Where’s Nanny? And who’s up for some rumpy pumpy?’
While the law does allow for a man-child of Boris’ age to be left unattended, the Animals Act 1971 makes Mr. Gove ‘strictly liable’ for any damage caused. An NSPCC spokesman said: ‘You wouldn’t leave a dog unattended for an extended period of time and the same applies to Boris. A dog would quickly get destressed, start defecating and gnawing at his own balls…and the same applies to Boris’.
NSPCC guidelines suggest that someone unable to find a hair brush in the morning, would struggle in an emergency or with interacting someone ‘a bit ethnic’. In the meantime Mr. Johnson is being sheltered in Battersea Dogs Home until he can be properly house-trained; staff commented: ‘Boris isn’t just for Xmas or the referendum – he’s going to chewing up the furniture and UK trade agreements for years to come’.