The Truth about Goats
Still looking for that special gift which says silky M&S luxury, yet with a hint of Nazi memorabilia? Why not splash £3,000 at auction on Eva Braun’s lilac pants; it also comes with fetching toiletries, complete with a delicate glass vial of scented cyanide.
One private collector explained: ‘What better way to spice up your sex life, than with some crypto-fascist lingerie? Jazz up your Secret Santa with a pair of Goebbel’s socks. Crackers shaped like doodlebugs, Xmas hats in gestapo black. Maybe even a seasonal calendar that culminates in a thousand year Reich?’
Said one serious historian and part-time gimp: ‘There’s nothing perverse in coveting Frau Braun’s knickers. I myself am wearing a surgical truss belonging to Hermann Goering. Some of the great academics of our time have done their best work lubed up as a Stormtrooper; just think of Freddie Starr, Max Mosley or David Starkey’.
Sadly Hitler’s own underwear is too small to wear, given that it was only designed to house a single withered testicle. Ironically the other gonad was deemed too large for conventional boxer shorts and was subsequently housed in the, purpose built, Albert Hall. Remember, nothing says I love you like used underwear; particularly if it comes with a Nazi skid-mark or ‘Donald Trump’ as it is called.