The Truth about Goats
The Board of Shakespeare’s Globe have reassured audiences of their mission to produce shows of ‘mind-numbing tweeness’, purposely designed to send your average GCSE Literature student into a spiral of self-harming. Renewing their commitment to Shakespearean traditions, all staff will be expected to adhere to a life expectancy of 40, rats as pets and a blanket ban on all actors who menstruate.
Having sacked artistic director Emma Rice, for being more modern than ‘an iPhone9 in a holographic dress’, the Board will be looking for someone more in keeping with the Renaissance Period – like an Apothecary with typhoid. Any candidate must come with a ruff, a small goatee and a pathological distrust of the Spanish navy.
One scholar explained: ‘The fear is, that by making Shakespeare contemporary and relevant, you might actually make Shakespeare contemporary and relevant. And the last thing we want are ordinary people comprehending theatre or even, God forbid, enjoying it. Just look what happened to the beast with two backs, once the plebs discovered ‘The Joy of Sex’.
Mrs Rice had come under considerable criticism for using lighting and sound in ‘The Globe’, while removing popular features – such as the bear-baiting pit and the ‘Potato Museum of Wonder’. Upon hearing that she planned to replace lute players with Spotify, one board member demanded: ‘Burn her, she’s a witch!’