The Truth about Goats
There is one thing worse than being indiscrimately shelled and that is metaphorically bombing online. Citizens of Aleppo have discovered that a brutal review written by @CandyMom81, is infinitely more hurtful than an oppressive fundamentalist regime; criticising hotels for their lack of ‘gluten-free tea bags’, ripe melon balls and hypoallergenic flak jackets.
Complained one resident: ‘You can’t fault our advertising campaign; Aleppo features on most front pages. Everyone keeps visiting us – ISIS, Russians, Kurds, you name them – but no one every wants to stay. And strangely all our reviews are almost as negative a holiday in Thanet, Netflix’s ‘Fuller House’ or a US Presidential Campaign’.
Travel guides claim that Aleppo boasts a ‘360 degree panoramic view’, since all the buildings are destroyed. Said one brochure: ‘Aleppo is flat…really, really flat. If you like small piles of rubble, this is the place for you! Sparsely populated, limbs tastefully strewn about the landscape and drenched in culture…sorry, did we say culture? We meant ‘blood’.’
Naturally all dining is now Al Fresco and every hotel comes with a crater-shaped pool waiting to be filled with stagnant water. Citizens have been forced to sleep on the streets, while rebel forces continue to fight over non-existent room reservations. Remember – ‘Alepo is the trip of a lifetime, as most lives usually end there’.