The Truth about Goats
The UK has purchased the rights to bury Tim Peake’s mummified remains in the Blue Peter garden. Using his space capsule as futuristic coffin, Mr. Peake will be entombed with a few ‘lines’ belonging to Richard Bacon, a petri dish of Petra and with a lock of John Noakes’ hair.
While technically still alive, Mr. Peake has allegedly ‘volunteered’ to be inhumed in exchange for a Blue Peter Badge and Janet Ellis’ phone number. The Blue Peter staff have agreed to dig up the capsule in 30 years’ time, provided they can ‘remember where they buried it’ and that after a Trump Presidency there is ‘anything left’ of civilisation.
Originally it was to be housed at the Science Museum to represent UK innovation, yet it was felt that ignoring it for several decades was more symbolic of post-Brexit science funding. When Mr. Peake appeared before the press bound and gagged, many have questioned if he is a willing participant; as this would not be the first time the BBC has successfully buried evidence of abuse.
Fortunately for Mr. Peake the Russian Soyuz TMA-19M craft is slightly more elaborate than the usual biscuit tin used by Blue Peter. Said a BBC spokeswoman: ‘It’s an exciting opportunity to preserve items that may not be around in the future, so we’ll also be burying the NHS, affordable mortgages and national pride’.