The Truth about Goats
In the event of Biblical flooding or a Hard Brexit – whichever plague comes first – the UK Government will be devoting half of all its defences to the London area. The £3.7bn national flood budget can only fund one large ‘Croydon-based’ Ark, which will be run by Govia Thameslink – offering a sporadic evacuation service ‘without conductors’.
Noah himself will captain the vessel and boasts 500 years of experience, but is wary of navigating his way through any congestion charges. Post-flood, it will fall to Londoners to be fruitful and replenish the earth, but naturally this will put pressure of school places in the Islington area.
The bearded Patriarch insisted: ‘I will still be taking two of every cosmopolitan beast; be it Fried Chicken Chefs, Liberal Elites or Millennial Russians. But there’s no room for London cyclists – for they are cursed to forever go on two wheels and act morally superior, despite being d$cks’.
The Environment Agency has been accused of abandoning the rest of the country, but in their defence, so has God. The floods will be a purging of those who are unclean and voted for UKIP. Although many Londoners are sceptical about Boris Johnson’s helpful suggestion that ‘more water canons’ are the solution.