The Truth about Goats
Despite a PR campaign to rival Caligula’s, the President-elect still ranks alongside chlamydia in many people’s affections. Regardless, the tweeting-Trump still hopes as he takes office to be showered with affection rather than Russian urine.
Hoping to elicit the adoration normally reserved for a cute puppy or a Jennifer Lawrence frappening, Trump has been seen touting inauguration tickets marked as ‘Bring a friend, because Donald has none’. Sadly the event has proven to be as popular as marriage counselling with Johnny Depp or a Boko Haram school reunion.
Bemoaned one Trump voter: ‘What have liberals ever done for us…despite running our schools and hospitals, designing our clothes and smart phones, making all our movies and games, ensuring we have holidays and clean water, providing justice and liberty. Oh yeah….and space flight. Lazy f$ckers!’
The teetotal Trump will spend his inauguration ensuring not ‘one drop’ of alcohol touches his lips; although he is not normally squeamish about what liquids get splashed around his face. The lonely billionaire is said to be inconsolable – proving money can’t buy you love but it can rent you a Presidency.