The Truth about Goats
Reporting in the Sunday Times, Michael Gove was pleased to announce that he had found his natural father – the 45th President of the United States, the fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse and the ‘last of the Oompa Loompas’. Clutching a suckling Gove to his chest, Trump spoke of his joy at discovering a son who shared his common vision for Western Civilisation– of a dumpster filled with burning tires.
Having so helpfully solved the problems of Education, Justice and Brexit, Mr. Gove’s intellect will be sorely missed by the British people and sadomasochists alike. However the ex-Minister and ex-exiter is said to be excited about helping Mr. Trump replace NATO with a ‘sock filled with manure’.
Mr. Gove was allegedly conceived on a Scottish golf course in the 60s, during a clandestine meeting between a young Donald Trump and a ‘Clootie dumpling’. Using a sample of dark brackish liquid, paternity tests reveal that Mr. Trump’s DNA has 80% similarity with Mr. Gove’s and, coincidently, 99% in common with an anaconda.
Mr. Gove was previously adopted at four months old by Rupert Murdoch, who raised him as if he were his own benign tumour. However Gove always knew that somewhere out there was his real father and it was only a matter of time until he found the right Sith Lord.