The Truth about Goats
Friends have grown concerned that the BBC’s political editor is letting her loathing of ‘allotment owning socialists’ get the better of her. Such is her disdain for all things Corbyn, that in interview she has been known to mockingly laugh at his replies, his woolly jumper and ‘flick bogles into his beard’.
Barely containing her contempt, Miss Kuenssberg can be heard off-camera coughing ‘w$anker’ under her breath. One fellow reporter commented: ‘Laura’s struggling to simultaneously maintain a poker face, while giving Jeremy the evil eye. It’s not just a mild animosity, it’s a level rancour you would normally see reserved for a Donald Trump tweet, a Southern Rail timetable or Mrs Browns’ new chat show’.
Coming from a humble family of High Court Judges, Governors General and millionaires, Miss Kuenssberg is naturally qualified to expose Corbyn’s ‘wage cap’ for the Stalinist purge that it is. Why Laura has such hate in her soul is unclear; although childhood friends said she always had a mortal fear of Glaswegian Worzel Gummidge ‘stealing her pony’.
Impeccably neutral, Miss Kuenssberg likes nothing better than to arrange for Shadow Ministers to resign live on air, doctoring interviews or practising a ‘Paxman sneer’. Even though the Welfare State is facing its largest funding crisis and a third of the population are below the poverty line, Miss Kuenssberg has prioritized her time to Facebook stalk ‘Jezza’ while refusing to ‘tag’ him in group photos. Yet despite all this, the Broadcaster of the Year (2016) has set herself an ambitious goal for 2017 – to find out who this ‘Prime Minister’ is that Corbyn keeps banging on about.