The Truth about Goats
The GCSE curriculum is to be revised once more, with historical content more representative of events that have shaped Britain, including – 70’s light entertainers, football coaches and Southern Rail. Gone are irrelevant studies into obscure renaissance monarchs, replaced by exam questions such as ‘Did the Spanish Armada fail their DBS check?’
Henry VIII’s seven wives will seem positively wholesome compared to the pervert/victim ratio of the contemporary period. Samuel Pepys will be swapped for peeping toms¸ the Battle of Bosworth becomes the Bottle of Barry Bennell and the Dissolution of the Monasteries is to be swapped with the Disharmony of the Football Association (FA).
Complained one History teacher: ‘Exchanging Tudors for historical abuse will mean big changes to our schemes of work, although the Catholic Church will still get to be the villain of the piece’. Remarked one English colleague: ‘And I suppose ‘Romeo’ will now be arrested for grooming a 13 year old?’
The Elizabethan ‘Age of Enlightenment’ will now be replaced with an Elizabethan ‘Age of Consent Form’; with the only Great Fire being the FA burning the evidence. Excitingly school children throughout the land will now be involved in all manner of historical re-enactment…when they are not too busy giving witness testimony.