The Truth about Goats
Eleven cities are bidding to become 2021’s pub quiz answer that must be followed by the statement ‘Really? That sh$t-hole?’. For many of the applicants, their only experience of growing culture involves something infectious in a petri dish.
The delusional list includes Perth, Paisley, Stoke, Sunderland, Coventry, Hereford Warrington, Portsmouth, Wells, Swansea, St Davids – all of which feature in Dante’s ‘Inferno’. For most the loose definition of ‘cultural heritage’ extends to still having a segregated water-fountain, a plague pit and a Gregg’s from the 1970’s.
In anticipation, blue plaques have started to spring up everywhere, each claiming to be the original site of the ‘canal prostitute murders’. The Heritage Lottery Fund will provide £3m to the winning city – which is often described as ‘hush money’ – but will allow the city to purchase its own themed miniature golf and massage parlor.
Since winning the title in 2013, Hull has seen a £1bn investment and in return, the city has renovated three allotments, added two new cycle lanes and a petting zoo for hamsters. Hull is now ranked as one of the seven great ‘wonder whys’ of the world, becoming and a hub of tourist attraction and morbid curiosity.