The Truth about Goats
Preventing ‘you know what’ is set become compulsory in all England’s schools, with all acts of radical sexualisation reported to MI5. Teachers will be required to be on the lookout for the tell-tale signs of hairy palms, hot flushes and any fan fiction involving Zooey Deschanel.
There are three strands to government‘s counter-pregnancy strategy – no kissing on a first date, no hemlines above the ankle and no cheap cider. Instead, schools will be expected to promote British values – specifically ‘those of Sister Wendy’.
Explained one M15 operative: ‘Our job is to disrupt sexual threats to the UK, which may involve extreme measures – such as cold waterboarding or thinking about Chelsea’s back four. ‘Sex Prevent’ also extends to aviation security, specifically the ‘mile high club’ and any package tours to Laganas’.
If you or anyone you know may have been influenced by extremist pornography, you should surrender yourself to a local law enforcement agencies or the nearest monastery. Meanwhile the ‘Safe at School’ Campaign has described the announcement as a ‘tragedy’, favouring a home-based solution of either viewing a box set of ‘Call the Midwife’ or chemical castration – whichever is the more humane.