The Truth about Goats
President Trump announced to the world’s press that with his missile strikes on Syria, the US was entering a heightened military state – to match his own elevated level arousal. Fortuitously covered by his podium, Mr. Trump insisted that he was experiencing his first tumescence since the Wall Street Crash of 1929 and that this was all due to the excitement of being able to press the Big Red Button and ‘play in the Bat Cave’.
Up until now, Mr. Trump had been reticent about his role as President, admitting privately to being listless and unable to perform any normal sexual act ‘involving three pints of urine and a Russian-sponsored prostitute’. Yet firing dozens of cruise missiles at Shayrat airfield has put an undeniable spring in his step and a bulging surprise in his knickerbockers; with an engorged Mr. Trump alleged to have shouted ‘lock up your daughters…especially mine!’
Despite Mr. Trump previously referring to Assad as a potential ally, the possibility of a non-medically induced ‘chubby’ was too much to resist. The Pentagon has already been instructed to either ‘score the President a cr$p-load of Viagra’ or draw up plans for invading North Korea – whichever is sexier.
Mr. Trump promised further swift reprisals against the Syrian Government – specifically on a Friday night, when ‘little Donald’ liked to come out to ‘play’. Oddly with ‘pussy grabbing’ being back on the menu Melania Trump has been unavailable for comment, but friends say she is disappointed, nauseous and has barricaded her bedroom with her ‘own wall’.