The Truth about Goats
A terrorist attack on Westminster was foiled yesterday by the swift deployment of Boris Johnson’s three water cannons. Sitting astride the gun turret, Mr. Johnson hosed down bystanders and removed graffiti in what was described as a ‘heroic display’ of water sports.
Despite the tragic events, a spokesman for the Foreign Secretary was keen to point out that the death toll would have been higher, if Mr. Johnson had not had the foresight to ‘piss £500,000 up the wall’ buying glorified water pistols. Londoners, he said, could sleep safely in their beds knowing that Boris was riding a tank.
Naturally, Theresa May soon met with members of COBRA to see how TRIDENT could be usefully deployed in order to tackle one knife wielding manic. Thankfully its £167 billion cost over 30 years will be money well-spent, as a direct nuclear strike on London can wipe out any terrorist threat – and instantly solve the capital’s mortgage crisis.
Friends describe Mr. Johnson’s decision making as nuanced and with a keen sense of the long-term impact – take for example Brexit, marital infidelity and his choice of barbers. His spokesman said: ‘Water is the natural enemy of terrorists – or is that witches? Anyway water will solve anything – except grease fires – or Mogwai – either way we should all fear Boris’ steady stream’.