The Truth about Goats
Through the inept competence of Johanna Konta, British sports fans have been forced to acknowledge her victory at the Miami Open and, by implication, the existence of that medieval torture – commonly known as – Tennis. Many had hoped that this archaic snooze-fest had died out alongside other historical favourites such as witch-burning, rickets and Proportional Representation.
Inspired by Louis X of France, after he ‘bludgeoned to death a midget’ using a polo mallet, the game of Tennis was soon adopted in England as a way to ward off evil spirits. The, then thirteenth, Marquis of Wimbledon is attributed with establishing the first set of rules; developed out of an elaborate scheme to protect Papist Monks from the terrors of the Reformation, amorous Nuns and Association Rules football.
To this day, the game is still played in a Top Hat and jodhpurs, with players hitting a swan’s egg over a moat. Peasants scramble for any wayward egg (or ‘ball’), then must doth their cap and buttocks upon return. Traditionally a live fox is released into the ground in between sets and is ritually torn apart by a wild pack of reporters. Cliff Richard is optional.
The game is presided over by sitting High Court Judge, resplendent in a gigantic high-chair and bib. Scoring is based on elaborate tax returns from the Cayman Islands. While the crowd is encouraged to gasp every time a faux pas or split infinitive occurs.
Miss Konta is not the first successful British female player, in fact the first lady player participated in 1862 – although it later transpired that it was actually an inaccurately sexed baboon. Primates had been allowed to play since the late 1700s, ever since the 18th Marquis was mistakenly married to ring-tailed lemur by a drunken Papist monk. One reluctant fan commented: ‘Henman’s Hill. Murray’s Mound. Konta’s Ku- yep, that’s not going to work’.